[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
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Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
wish me luck lads
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”