Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird

if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off

Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.

Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?

How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer

Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn

my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*

my dad: lol nerd

wife: you need to do more around the house

me: can you change the subject please?

wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you

Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.

went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security

My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”

Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes

I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.

Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.

I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.

Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!

~Me. Speed dating.

6: are snakes just neck?

There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo

50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds

I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips

my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters

[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray

My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.

I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.

And now we wait…

Him: Do you know what you are doing?

Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?

Him: No.

Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.

Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.

Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here

My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.

Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.

Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”

As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.

I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”

I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after