[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
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Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.