on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
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Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
How do dragons blow out candles?
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.