On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
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*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
Help Wanted
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
idk flipping houses looks really hard
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
File under excellent bookstore names.
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?