@Brentweets

On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.

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@jon_snow_420

it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking

@smithsara79

is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while

@garrettn

Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’

@Fun_Beard

Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.

@hookmeupinit

Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive

@ItalianBratikus

When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.

@noog

Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.

@SonOfCha

A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.

@_theigirl

Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”