On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.

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it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking


is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while


Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’


Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.


Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive


When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.


Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.


A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.


Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”