On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
You Might Also Like
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
how much for the angry fruit?
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.