“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
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On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
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Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
me when the borders lift
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.