On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
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You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
🤣🤣
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
Vodka burrito was a success
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*