@buttsword COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
@TheTweetOfGod On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
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@buttsword 
@Reverend_Scott GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
@R_A_Dadass My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
@PrettiestPickle Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
@dinnersruined How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
@AdamOfEarth Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
@ilikeyouguys You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
@donni Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
@caliluvgirl77 [introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
@ChaseMit “Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”