On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
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me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
He is just living hist best little life 😊
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what