On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.

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Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.


Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.



– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad

– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise

– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral

– there’s like a groom or w/e idc


Him: what are you thinking about?

Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?


Boss: Are you high?

Me: If I was high could I do this?

*teleports two inches to the right*


Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.


Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?


Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.