On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
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I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.