[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
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Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
Quadruple digit IQ
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.