[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
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Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.