[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
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I’m not proud
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
sistine chapel
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet