[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
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I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…