[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
You Might Also Like
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
unbelievably distressed by this ad
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
Lube but for my dry humor.
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t