ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
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ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.