[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
You Might Also Like
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free