[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
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Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?