[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
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“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”