[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
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If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?