[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
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all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*