@internetluke “Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
@thevirtualidiot On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
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@internetluke 
@AtticusFinch79 Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
@_SingleBabyMama (painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
@PS_IRuddYou This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
@StoneAgeRadio13 My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
@Harbinger_one I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
@sokangarude People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
@Not_From_Troy Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
@dontshowyourcat TRAIN’S HERE
@mommajessiec 9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.