“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
*he tosses me cop car keys*
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
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Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.