@thevirtualidiot

On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.

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@internetluke

“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*

@AtticusFinch79

Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?

*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*

H- Are you waving at the ground?

Me-Yes to both

@_SingleBabyMama

(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.

@PS_IRuddYou

This girl text me: “your adorable

I text back: no YOU’RE adorable

Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…

@Harbinger_one

I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.

@sokangarude

People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.

@Not_From_Troy

Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant