“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
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Clients after you give them your rates
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.