[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
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*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.