[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
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[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run