On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
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In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
I have a new favorite meme page
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny