[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
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hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
Breaking news:
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
nice challenge
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
In Canada they just call them geese
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address