On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
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Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
Have a lovely day 😊
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.