On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
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Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
😂💯
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.