[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
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Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
The first matador
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.