On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
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STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
excuse me
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.