Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.

Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?

The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.

Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family

Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday

My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes

“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.

Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.

We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation

My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.

My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.

In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.

Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.

Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.

I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.

what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie

“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”

Crowd: “NEIGH!”

“Jesus Christ.”

Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?

Clerk: That’s an egg.

I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.

[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]

In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green

Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown

[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*

Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-

Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*

Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.

a rare painting of a porcu’melon

#math

Here are 5 things you should know about me:

1. I’m very secretive

I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.

Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on

Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅

Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…

Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.