[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
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What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me