[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
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What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me