[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
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Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
We’re all getting idioter.
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing