On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
You Might Also Like
my dad has had enough
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
bought wrong eggs
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
I have obtained a hat