ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
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-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum