On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
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*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous