On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
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Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣