On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
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I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat