[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
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Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
Knock Knock
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
I love art.
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”