I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
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‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
how much does a mortician urn in a year
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS