@autogynefiles

On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through ๐Ÿ˜“

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@thehubrispanda

Thereโ€™s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.

@Shariv67

Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.

@DrakeGatsby

Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes

@JeremyBRoberts

Are these fish:

A. A different species

B. The same species

C. These two fish arenโ€™t even from the same ocean and arenโ€™t closely related

@ch000ch

it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.

@loribuckmajor

Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg

and wait.

-hospitals

@WilliamAder

Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.

@sofarrsogud

[First day working in an optometrists]

Me: Theyโ€™re called reading glasses but they donโ€™t actually read. You still have to do that.

Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?

Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol