@thehubrispanda Thereโs nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
@autogynefiles On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through ๐
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@thehubrispanda 
@LetsFav Can Happiness buy money?
@Shariv67 Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
@English_Channel this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
@DrakeGatsby Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
@JeremyBRoberts Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish arenโt even from the same ocean and arenโt closely related
@ch000ch it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
@loribuckmajor Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
@WilliamAder Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
@sofarrsogud [First day working in an optometrists]
Me: Theyโre called reading glasses but they donโt actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol