[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
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me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
dutch so unserious
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.