[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
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SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
me refusing to leave twitter
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers