[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
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If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.