[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
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For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake