Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.

911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.

*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?

Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.

8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard

6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda

Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.

*seduces you by wearing a sundress

*ruins it by running in flip flops

[creation of bats]

God: stretch out that mouse

sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better

Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.

I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.

Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs

hair stylist: *visibly pales

Lil Brain – Out of Leads

TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it

Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die

People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math

Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?

Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.

I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.

The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.

Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.

me: my friends:

Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.

Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.

And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.

Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.

I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.

I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.

Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.

You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.