@fuqtarded

On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.

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@zachreinert0

The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now

@DaniePrecisa

The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.

@angeliav68

It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…

@Breadery

Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.

@Staggfilms

Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.

@SondraDeeMe

[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?

@RobinMcCauley

I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.

@INeed_AnAdult

It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.

@StarWarsProblms

Vader: I AM your father.

Luke: Why are you telling me this now?

Vader:

Luke:

Vader: I need a kidney.

@slimmy_shady

Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.