@zachreinert0 The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
@fuqtarded On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
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@zachreinert0 
@DaniePrecisa The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
@angeliav68 It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
@Breadery Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
@Staggfilms Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
@SondraDeeMe [diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
@RobinMcCauley I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
@INeed_AnAdult It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
@StarWarsProblms Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
@slimmy_shady Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.