On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.

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The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now


The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.


It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…


Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.


Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.


[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?


I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.


It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.


Vader: I AM your father.

Luke: Why are you telling me this now?



Vader: I need a kidney.


Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.