On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
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Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France