[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
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The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
Crying is a sign of leakness.