on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
You Might Also Like
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
yeah 😭
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.